Problems !!! Doubts !!!

You wake up in the morning. Blurry vision slowly clears up as the eye adjusts to the light. You Strech. Senses become alert again.
Now, what's the first thought that comes to the mind, huh?

Wish I could have slept more.
Shit, another day.
Wow, it's a new day.

If you haven't thought about it ever, give it a thought, because this will give you a peep into how you actually feel about being alive. If you sit up sometime and consciously introspect, the mind will soon get cluttered, and the possibility of an answer will vanish.

We all have problems. They can be solved, either by hard work or by a stroke of luck. But the real trouble begins when you begin to have doubts. Yes, DOUBTS.

There, I don't know what to do with them. Doubts cannot be solved by LOGIC, never. They aren't like a math problem, where 2 + 2 equals 4.

I dont know from where doubts arise, no idea. Maybe it has to do something with the state of a person's self confidence. Maybe it stems from the realisation of the failures of the past. Maybe it mirrors the horrors of one's life, the stuff buried in the closet, which nobody knows, stuff even the person pretends never happened. These give rise to anxieties, insecurities.
That is the trouble. How can you tackle a problem when you don't understand how it originates!

Should I radically change everything? What if my best if not enough?

Only time will tell. Maybe the doubts will clear as I begin to understand their root. I hope they clear. After all, hope is dangerous, but it's a good thing. Maybe when I loose all hope, I'll find clarity and freedom.

A trip to Gurgaon...

THIS BLOG IS NOT MEANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD BY EVERYONE. STILL, YOU MAY READ IT AT YOUR OWN RISKS.

Life is busy. Too busy in fact. You go through the motions every day, until one day, you realize that you need a break. Leisure time is a privilege in today’s Dog-Eat-Dog world, and once you get it, you must ensure that it is well spent, so as to leave a pleasant mark on your memory, something which makes you smile when you recall it in times to come.

So, when I got a week long break from office, I wanted to make this time count for more. Being so far away from family isn’t easy, but it’s been more than six years on the trot for me now. First college, and now job. I reckon it was easier at college. I found a second family there, guys who were just as confused, as determined, as carefree, as passionate, and as ambitious as I was. Life was full of fun, endless discussions about future, full of dreams and delusions. It’s not the same with job. Yeah, two things make a world of difference: having money, and no Classes/Assignments/Professors. But there is no time. And there is something else as well, which not all of my friends will understand: being forced to start off from scratch with friendships, in a totally new city, with totally new responsibilities. With all these thoughts gripping my mind, I decided it was time to catch up with some of the college mates.

To cut a long story short, I juggled around with schedule, geographical location and closest friends, and Landed at the New Delhi Railway station on 1st Feb, 2008. Coming from Kolkata, where winter is an illusion, I landed in a city accustomed to chilly weather, on a day the Met Dept predicted to be the coldest in 72 years! I got the dose as I stepped out of the cozy Rajdhani AC coach onto the platform, with just a pullover between my skin and bone chilling wind outside (Now I understand how Harry feels near Dementors).

I made it to Dhaula Kua, where my dear friend A made me wait well over 50 minutes in front of the HP petrol pump, with no shade, no place to sit, and nothing to eat or drink. As he stepped out of B’s Hyundai Getz, his appearance knocked me off: He was wearing Specks, and his hairline had receded beyond redemption.

I came back to senses as he called out, “Aur Bhale, Bhoffa……”We drove to the ominous apartment, where power cuts had wrecked havoc in the lives of my dear friends. I had started to get out of touch with the India of Power Cuts, living in Salt Lake - Kolkata for 18 months now… exactly as I had forgotten about the winter season…

Next I saw TCS Gurgaon office. Nothing different from the Cognizant Kolkata office… except that the number of cars is far greater at Gurgaon. There I met B. Oh my Goodness, not a single bit of change in this guy, only the intensity of his manhoosiyat had increased many-fold. That look on his face, of being out of place all the time, of having the knowledge of being screwed at every possible juncture in life, the desperation, the depression, the frustration… and Hope, that the law of averages will somehow balance out. I also met C, who is now moving to Verizon, Hyderabad. Had lunch with A and C, as B had to WORK. Now, B working is a good enough joke in itself to sustain laughter for a decent duration of time. Anyway, it just felt like old days, talking to buddies who knew me, inside out… I ended up having a fine beer, Carlsberg, before making it back home.That evening, B pushed us to go to “Ministry of Sound”, 4 guys with a pass for 2… And the lack of passes can be attributed to the jerk that A is, fucking asshole, couldn’t take another Jack Daniel to get another pass… and that too when it was free. Finally, as we stepped out of the house, I met D. Dear old D, the same guy, albeit looked better getting off the Ford Icon. It was difficult to digest that the hardest working guy in the trio was the one who wouldn’t get out of bed even for lunch in college. Oh dear, the colors that life shows us…

Anyway, the evening sucked all-in-all, partly due to Delhi-NCR Traffic, and partly due to the fact that we missed some awesome LIVE Rock. We ended up at CRIMZON, where I had my first taste of J and B Rare… We dined, and whined, of all the things that we could think of… The kind of conversation that goes off well with Booze; question s whose answer should not be 42. I don’t know why, but everyone kept asking me why I had gone so quiet. I can’t rubbish what they say, coz they’ve seen enough of me to spot the difference. Just hope that they were NOT serious.

So, the evening wound up quite nicely, considering the disastrous start we had. We picked up a few more beers as we went back… Saw The Devil Wears Prada (again), and eventually slept, all curled up nearby…The Next morning, I woke up before all, checked mail, had tea and breakfast (made by Champu). Both A and D had to go to office, so, it was just me and B. We went out, had breakfast, picked up newspapers… and came back. Delhi Times had vindicated B’s stand, by mentioning the Ministry of Sound show on front page.

Blissfully, there was current at home, and we made the most of it, listening to Rock N Roll; another couple of Fosters disappeared. Eric Prydz: Proper education was played again and again. We laughed, pondered, worried, and ultimately dismissed our troubles, as we talked, and talked, and talked…It was Saturday, and I recommended American Gangster…

Now, these jerks had put off shifting their house till I came. So we rushed to meet the owner, signed the lease papers and all, checked out the new flat (big enough to sustain three Live-In relationships)

And then it happened: a phone conversation between B and E changed everything. Now, I’d heard of E before, and it turned out it would be just me and A at PVR… But fate had something else in store, and the evening turned out to be the best of the trip. As the events rapidly unfolded that evening, I wasn’t happy at all. B went out of the scene all of a sudden, and I thought, “It’s OK, let the frustoo have a go at the chance.” But as I found myself being wound up in the plan, for apparently no reason, I began pondering what was going through the mind of this idiot… was it going to be another evening of my so eagerly planned trip, that wouldn’t go as well as expected? The journey wasn't easy... Again stuck at a damn petrol pump, two days in a row… I even got soaked in rain, with A, waiting for the Radio cab... But it all fell in place eventually, and to miraculous perfection. D joined us midway, and we ended up meeting B, chatting with E (and F) at a CCD in Connaught Place. From there, we went to a place called Blues. Now before we entered, we had literally walked the whole bloody outer circle of CP, and I realized how hard it is to walk with girls. (They're too slow) But now the ordeal was over, and good times were about to start.

At BLUES: The experience was Magical. More booze, Rock n Roll, Good crowd, it all seemed too good to be true. Have you ever felt you were living a dream? If you can recall that, then perhaps you’ll understand what I mean. It felt like time had stopped, and I soaked every ounce of it. I don’t even remember B taking off to drop E (and F) back home, until we came out. The nearest experience I’ve had to it is from Some Place Else, Calcutta. Don’t know why it felt superior at Blues: was it the company, or the dull time that preceded it, or the fact that I was seeing for the first time my friends behaving like civilized gentlemen in front of girls.… I don’t have a damn clue, and I don’t care. It was good to be there. Wish I could write more about it… But it won’t be appropriate. Anyway, basically I'll go back there again and again...

So, as we returned home, happy and content, more booze followed, and some serious talk. The next morning was effectively dull. D took off to Jaipur pretty early, and I felt weird saying Goodbye to him. A, B and me had breakfast at Haldiram’s. Then Doordarshan followed. Yeah, shifting into a new house isn’t as easy as it sounds, and we found it out. By the time we finished, it was late afternoon, and we were exhausted. A movie seemed a good idea, consequently American Gangster happened, and I got my first taste of PVR. (Surprisingly, I’ve always somehow been to INOX, FAME and ADLABS, not PVR). Gem of a movie, time well spent. It was followed by a nice, old fashioned, greasy heavy dinner at Minar (again CP), and then the walk to the Railway Station.Goodbyes were said, and we parted.

I forgot my jacket behind… but it wasn’t until I slept in that AC coach that it dawned on me: When will I see them again?

Time had flown silently. What would I remember of this weekend in years to come? The appearance of A, the freaking cold weather, or D pleading to B to treat his Ford Icon with some respect, or the line by E, “I remember D, he checked my Orkut profile”, or the SMS that A received, ”Tussi jaa rahe ho, tussi na jao..”, or that I so narrowly missed taking a bath so many times, or that they kept picking on me saying “Why had I gone so quiet”, or the song “sabse peechhe ham khade…”

I guess only time will tell. The pic at the very start is a blog in itself, but some wise guy said "A picture is worth a thousand words", so that will be all. I deliberately wrote this blog after a few days, so that I would write about only the important moments, hoping the not-so-important memories will fade out. And it’s ironic how vividly I remember each and everything. So much so, that I ended up writing a fully fledged memoir of my trip, resulting in an insanely long blog. Maybe I’ll realize in due course of time why these memories stuck in my mind. Thanks guys, A, B, Dfor making that weekend worth recalling for the rest of my life. And thank you for bearing with me and reading this long long long account…

There's always tomorrow

It happens sometimes. The simplest of experiences make your mind swirl with things totally alien to the situation. That day was no different. The sun rose in the east, Team India lost another match. I was driving at a leisure speed, good old rock music blaring from the speakers of my car. I laid back on the seat, the left hand dangling down lifelessly, the right one barely hung on the driving wheel. It was a real nice road, with tall shady trees on both sides, and a lake on my left, with the golden rays from the Sun piercing the leaves and shining on me.

I just looked down by the side, at the ground below. It went under the wheels so quickly. I don’t know how long I watched the ground, rolling under the wheels. Sounds mundane? Well, didn't feel so at all. It felt strangely serene.

Then I slowly came out of my trance. I looked around and realized I'd covered up quite some distance.And then it hit me. The painful analogy. I live every day, looking at things around me as I looked at the ground below while driving. Everything seems regular and nice and settled. Life is more or less peaceful. But then something always comes along, and breaks that trance.And it ain't a good feeling at all.

Suddenly I realize how far I've come. How much time has passed... How much is still left to be done. I've got to keep the promises I made to myself, to my family, my friends... I dreamed of a perfect life, and I’m nowhere close to living it. It hurts. And eventually, the feeling of being lost somewhere takes over. I moan, I despise, I introspect, and I may even indulge in self pity. I dwell on all the wrong decisions I took, on every opportunity lost, on every instant I held back because of fear or laziness. I feel how I’ve let everybody down, including me. I curse myself, convinced that there can be no tomorrow for me.

Then the sun goes down, and I fall in my bed, trying to sleep, but scared, of all the things, things I don't even know.And then sleep takes over. I can't say whether I squirm in my sleep over it, but the agony ends there.

The next morning is again a Good morning. I return back to my trance. And life is back on track again. Sounds familiar to you? If yes, then I'm afraid I've broken your trance. But don't worry, as tomorrow will be a new day.